Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Mrs. Buttersworth, Diamond Slim, And The Drifter Pancake

A Western Pancake Romance live-tweeted in 52 tweets-

Cold chimneys began to smoke and the sky seemed a marmalade fire as Drifter Pancake rode wearily into dusky Waffletown

"Syrup my steed" Drifter Pancake rasped as he flipped his next-to-last butter pat to the the smiling toothless stable toast

The poster outside Sticky's Saloon said MRS BUTTERSWORTH TONIGHT but it meant nothing 2 Drifter Pancake 4 he'd ne'er learned 2 read nor rite

The last empty table sat stageside with a plaque that read RESERVED 4 DIAMOND SLIM but 2 Drifter the words meant less than Teflon scratches

The piano fell silent, lights dimmed & curtain parted, and Drifter Pancake nearly choked on the neck of his syrup beer

'Twas a knothole in the fence of heaven which grew upon that stage, and the face of an angel floated forth to consider our pitiless realm

Only one infrared stage light shone in that smoky saloon, but it was Drifter Pancake in the cool blackness who began to bubble

Mrs. Buttersworth was full and dark, and a smart yellow cap fit snug above her glistening countenance as if guarding a secret treasure

With a depth of sweet expression Mrs Buttersworth gauged the quiet desperation in the eyes of every hungry soul in that ragtag saloon

Every man in that room wanted her & each woman 2 but the hotcakes yearned 4 Mrs Buttersworth most of all & none more so than Drifter Pancake

Arms held motionless, Mrs. Buttersworth pivoted in the direction of the angels and began to sing

When a store mannequin comes alive it mourns each moment it was not; so too did Drifter Pancake when he heard the voice of his Buttersworth

As Mrs Buttersworth sang condensation ran down her plastic bosom and Drifter Pancake longed to use his own parched body to pat her dry

It was then that Mrs. Buttersworth seemed to sing only to him; two hearts balanced on heaven's wheel, and her molded face imperceptibly winked

It was a soul wink no one saw except for Drifter Pancake and Diamond Slim, the latter who watched in rising fury thru the swinging doors

Everything in Waffletown belonged to Diamond Slim; the waffle mine, saloon, the chair beneath Drifter Pancake, and the widow Buttersworth

Mrs Buttersworth's beloved husband had been pressed to death in the waffle mine, an 'accident' Diamond Slim had purchased in gold

Such is the evil of breakfast when left to its own device for it can not consume itself and therefore recognizes not the flavor of sin

The cane of Diamond Slim was as long as he was crooked, and on its tip a huge diamond did shine

Diamond Slim brought his cane down on the head of the lovely Mrs Buttersworth, the piano stopped playing, and a clock struck nine

She was not seriously injured.

The audience fell as silent as the grave, and dispersed where they could, their own lives they might save

Slow to anger, a pancake when challenged will hold very still.  It took Drifter Pancake an instant to kill.

Drifter Pancake flung himself bodily up on that stage, and smothered Diamond Slim Jerky in a murderous rage

His soul wailed in horror o'er the crime it had done, and then in blind panic Drifter Pancake did run.

The pancake fled through the rabble each aghast at its deed.  The killer ran to the stable and jumped on its steed.

Fleeing from Waffletown with Slim's henchmen in tow, Drifter Pancake rode that horse straight into deep Mexico

Days turned to months as Drifter Pancake tried 2 forget his foul crime, and 4 the law to forget him, but he couldn't forget Mrs Buttersworth

Drifter Pancake dreamt of Mrs Buttersworth at night & also during the day while disguised as a tortilla & drunk in the gutter on Karo syrup

In his hand the Karo bottle would become M Buttersworth & sing 2 him & he'd use his body 2 dry her tears but it was actually his own slobber

Drunk at night he'd see Mrs Butterworth in the dark cacti and he'd kiss his hand as if it were her lips & his horse would give him The Look

A pancake cannot long suffer a love unrequited, for it is a drying thing, and one day it will decide it can bear that agony no longer

Drifter Pancake realized his sole release would be 2 again behold the face of his lovely Mrs Buttersworth and confess his unfailing devotion

To fall at the base of Mrs Buttersworth, if only to touch the fine print of her label, his life as a pancake would be a pittance to pay

Turning his horse in the opposite direction, Drifter Pancake trotted resolutely towards his destiny

The decision transformed him.  His insides warmed as if microwaved at a low setting. His sun-baked skin felt spongy and new

The tall cacti again transformed into his beloved Mrs Buttersworth but now their arms reached out to the passing pancake in welcome

Night & day the pancake rode. Sun and rain were the lips of his beloved Mrs Buttersworth upon his face, the wind her whisper in his ear

He daydreamt a cloud castle for them in the sky & when he unscrewed her cap trestles not syrup flowed which cradled & rocked him like a babe

Then his mare came to a halt, and rising up Drifter Pancake found himself on a ridge overlooking the dusty ramshackle which was Waffletown

On a crag nearby a puff of dirt appeared, then another.  Below he could see Diamond Slim's men with guns drawn racing from the valley floor

Drifter Pancake knew he must make it to the stream which descended the gorge or never rest safe in the arms of his darling Buttersworth

Faster and faster he sped thru the picket fence shadows of sundown, and then briefly blinded by the sun he lept down into the sheltered water

Something was wrong, for though evening surrounded him a small sun still blazed in his vision, and on his saddle, syrup pooled

Deeper down the twisting canyon his horse carefully tread, hoofs finding notes & chords in the flowing water, and Drifter Pancake grew tired

Soon he would be at the back entrance to Sticky's Saloon, and his love would be waiting to greet him with a cool bowl of blueberries

The stream now fanned into a reedy swamp, knee deep and moonlit, and the still distant lights of town seemed to dance with the fireflies

A billowing pyre approached as the pancake tried not to slip from his horse, but the smoke was spray & the flame the flashing of gunfire

All at once his Mrs. Buttersworth appeared, floating quickly towards him through the gentle reeds, and he collapsed into her arms

Her face was close to his, the face of a simple dirt pancake, crumbling in her embrace like the desert floor, & she wept on him syrupy tears

With one final effort the last part of Drifter Pancake heaved up and met the sweet lips of his lovely Mrs Buttersworth

As Drifter Pancake disintegrated the warm breeze alone heard him sigh "Goodnight Mrs. Buttersworth..Mrs Buttersworth, goodnight!"

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